Bad taste? Shut up.
By the way, I'm so poor that I steal the Wifi from work at this point. Thanks, America.
As I had posted previously, I have been single for 3 years. This had a pause for about a month. Anyways, after a text message question from a dear friend asking how one can maintain happiness with single life, I gave her 5 easy steps to enjoy life on your own. This also made me think that I could give out decent advice to all of you, and since I like to try to be Brendan Kelly on this thing (read: Bad Sandwich Chronicles), I am willing to give good advice that I don't take in consideration for myself to all of you. If you have a question that I can answer, I'm more than willing to give you said advice.
Back to the real, here are my 5 easy steps to enjoy being a single person:
Step 1:
Appreciate being able to spread out over the ENTIRE bed. Cuddling and spooning are great, but they make body pillows for that. Creating a makeshift girlfriend out of a comforter is quite simple, and they flatten out during the night, so by morning, that bed is your territory. Boom.
Step 2:
Is you're out, and about, and decide to go home with some "12 hour (max) relationship", do NOT take them back to your house. NO...NO...NO! Go to their house. Nobody wants a stalker. Their house may be disgusting, but remember, you're only over there to get some. Plus, seeing the state of their house will show you how they live. This will help in the "just getting some" aspect. Avoid exchanging phone numbers. If you are asked for your number, make sure to give them a number of a friend that needs a lot of attention. Maybe they'll get some, too. I've used the same friend for a while now. He even knows it.
Step 3:
This is where things get weird. We've all had that relationship. The one where the other person flips out every time they have a few shots. It starts with a few texts, then by the end of the night, they are standing in your bedroom calling you all sorts of names. For example, remember that scene in "High Fidelity", where John Cusack is outside of that apartment complex, screaming, "Charlie...You fucking bitch....Let's work it out!"? Give that relationship between 6 months, and a year, and that person won't be there anymore. You may/may not want it, but trust me...life is better without it.
Step 4:
It gets weirder. In my industry (liquor, not music...music is way easier), the ongoing aspect is that if you are a partier/patron, and your ex is also somewhat in that group of friends, it's really not ok for them to "ban" you from that establishment, especially if they have no control/management/ownership of it. Now, I think that it is only acceptable if the ex did something extremely fucked up, but not in this case. However, if they try to (unsuccessfully) ban you from said establishment, feel free to bring whatever date/prospect into that bar, and proceed to make out/dry hump/feel up that person in that establishment. Not only does it proclaim that you are single, but it also says, "Hey, person, I'm doing alright, and, hey, look what I can do!". You win...every time.
Step 5:
Now we are back at home. This one is rough. If you aren't into the "one night stand" thing, or you are a total "3 dates, and maybe I'll show you what it/they look like" type of person, let's face it, people get horny. If the Jenna Jameson video, or the old "Battery Operated Boyfriend (B.O.B.)" isn't doing the trick, you are going to need an old stand by. Make sure that it is somebody that A) You've already given it up to, or B) They are fully down with the "no strings attached" aspect. Here's where it gets tricky: keep your goddamned mouth shut. If you even tell one friend, and that dreaded ex will be outside of your bedroom window, drunk and pissed.
It's that easy, kids. Other than that, you can continue with your job, life, kids, party, and whatever it is that you people do anymore (getting stoned, and playing video games?).
By the way, I've been listening to Mos Def while writing this. Black Power.
Get back at me.
RPS
step 2 always gets me
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