Watch Out For The Skunk Ape.

12:49
Seattle, WA
September 27th, 2013


I like seeing my friends getting successful. Albeit bittersweet, it's a nice thing to witness. I like seeing hard work getting people I know into better stages in life. I like it when they share their happiness with other people, rather than dump on the ones that helped them get to a better place.

I experienced a strange deja vu moment tonight, while I was at a Pop Punk show. I realized that I was in almost the exact same spot that I was in tonight, only 12 years ago. The names were almost the exact same. The places were almost the exact same. The backstory, while being morphed in a way, almost the exact same. In certain ways, it makes me happy. In others, it makes me sad.

I fucked up. Fucked up pretty bad. It's really nothing to dwell on, but I fucked up. I've been pretty good at fucking up for a good while now. I think it was a good fucking up on my part, helping me to realize my problems, addictions, and faults, and to help me find a way to become a better person. Sometimes, it takes 34 years to realize that although you may have made decisions to make your life better, they may not always be the best ones. Sometimes those decisions do more than just hurt you, but the people around you, as well. I believe addicts refer to this as a "moment of clarity". I sat in a living room for almost a month and a half dealing with my fuck up. My phone never rang, besides a few dear friends. Just me and my thoughts. It's brought me to this path that I'm on now. I'm not on some walkabout "Kane in Kung Fu" type of path, but one to make myself, and the people around me, better people. This sounds a lot like some Hippie Dippie bullshit, but I see it working.

My libido has been off for years. As much as I can blame previous relationships for the lack of interest, I think my wallowing in self-pity really caused it. I think my constant blaming of everyone else, and not myself, has caused it. In times where I should have dusted myself off, and continued my life, I just raised a finger at anyone else involved. That is something that needs to change.

I've spent a lot of my life hearing the word "no". My whole family has dealt with that for years. I think it's time for a change. I think it would be nice to hear a "yes".

I think I listen to too much Pop Punk.

Is there such a thing?

Sorry for the mental vomit. I just felt that it should be shared.

Stay healthy, players.